I have learned someone can love you with their whole heart, and still break yours.
And that hurt they carry has nothing to do with you, but everything about the relationship they have with themselves.
I have learned no amount of love can heal another’s pain.
They have to love themselves enough to find their own way. I can only walk calmly beside them in their distress.
I have learned that is enough.
And that, this is love.
I have learned if someone wants to wreck something incredible I cannot stand in their way.
I have felt the pain of stepping aside, to take care of my own heart. At times, this has meant walking away without them.
And that, you can never predict this moment of truth, and its delivery is a ruthless, harsh blow.
Because of this, I understand the wretchedness of leaving someone, or being left, even though you would give anything for it not to happen.
Even if it is for the best.
Loss and rejection has made my heart tender when once it was hardened by fear.
I have learned you have to save yourself when someone is destructively unravelling.
It is down to you or them.
For in my past, I also have been that person grappling and trying to find my way in love, and failing.
Beautifully, this has somehow gifted me the grace to not be cruel even when I have felt rage beyond my understanding.
For the broken deserve the most love.
However, this does not mean I stand willingly in harms way, or that I will not be fierce in protecting myself.
I understand betrayal is not a story about what is wrong with me, but rather where a person is in profound struggle.
I have cultivated compassion, born in despair, both towards myself and others, welcoming healing rather than remaining bitter.
This is freedom and creates heart space to eventually move on.
I have learned you can love someone with your whole being long after they’ve gone.
And that is okay, it is the way it is meant to be.
I have discovered a gentle space within where you do not have to disconnect from your heart. No matter what you or they have done.
Rather the more you wish them well, the happier you become. I also know reaching this place takes time and emotional fortitude.
I have learned the art of both enormous love and letting go. And eventually being okay with both.
I can live in that contradiction.
For when you open your heart to love, you risk hurt. I have found it is worth the gamble.
I have experienced the opposite too, where I have padlocked my heart. This has meant I closed myself to everything, not just love.
I do not wish to live that lonely way.
There are no guarantees and I have stopped looking.
However, I am learning the way of discernment, for not everyone who stops by is worthy of my heart.
Reaching a place of strength, I would rather allow love to break me open than break me apart. This is within my power. No one can take that away from me.
I have learned a person can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves.
These days I am able to stand in the invitation of loving someone whilst I take care of myself.
To be fully and humanly present in the ecstasy, mess, joy, and darkness of loving.
And if I find myself bleeding, bruised and broken over love leaving, I will hold myself in the grief of these callings.
From loves departures, I am finally in the place where I feel imperfectly whole on my own.
And ultimately, what I have learned is from this space, where I am already complete, only more love can arrive.